If you've never driven round the roads of Mid Sussex before, here are a few handy hints and tips to avoid standing out like a sore thumb:
1) Never use your indicators. To do so would mark you out as a foreigner, and make yourself liable to tailgating (see 2 below). If approaching a roundabout, just wander aimlessly around it, until you spot the correct exit. Everybody else does this, and the number of roundabout-related accidents are surprisingly low, so it's clearly a good strategy. You'll have the added bonus of really p*ssing off anyone who's giving way to you.
If driving down a main road and intending to turn down a side street, just do it - randomly, at speed, and at the last moment. It'll infuriate that polite idiot who's been waiting for you to pass them by.
The good people of Mid Sussex have long been lobbying the motor industry for a slightly cheaper "local" version of popular car models, which wouldn't have any indicators installed.
2) Don't just drive behind someone, drive RIGHT BEHIND THEM, so that your bonnet is just touching their rear bumper. This will remind them that it's not acceptable to do 30mph in a 30 zone (see 3 below), and re-inforce their sense of insecurity.
Ideally, if you see someone in front of you, accelerate wildly, wind your windows down, crank up the MC Hammer tape you just know you've got in the player, and let them know who's boss. You'll double the chances of inflicting some serious whip-lash injuries on the gullible fools if they stop suddenly, and add to your street cred by putting a neat dent in your bonnet. Tailgating for the win!
3) If you're in a hurry, and don't have time for the joys of tailgating, then just overtake. Anywhere, on any road, but preferably in a dangerous spot, like on the brow of a hill, or approaching a blind bend. Ideally, sound your horn constantly and give them the ole' two-fingers sign as you roar past, risking your life and vehicle for the sake of a few seconds' advantage on your overall journey time. People will fear and respect you for miles around, and the local press will thank you for giving them a juicy story when you finally run out of luck and hit that huge tree on the corner.
4) Drive big, park small. Find the smallest parking space available, and squeeze your car into it. Ease yourself out gently, then hide in a nearby bush, and be ready to leap out and accost the poor mug who's parked next to you, and has just left a minor scratch in your paintwork by being stupid enough to try to get into their car.
5) Stock up on projectile weaponry. With so many idiots on the roads these days, it's good to be prepared. Keep a small stash of projectile weapons handy, so that you can wind down your window and pelt people at random, if you think they deserve it. Eggs, tennis balls, oranges, stones, marbles, and water balloons are standard fare, and should keep the nutters busy while you rummage for your Lighthouse Family greatest hits collection.
6) Don't bother with tax or insurance. Nodoby else does, so why should you? Just get a car and drive, like a real man.
7) Clamp your phone to your ear. Talking on the move is pretty damn cool. You'll look good, especially if your mobile handset is up to date. Driving with one hand gives you far greater control of your car, and if you're really skilled, you can lean on the window with your phone-arm, eyeing people up, chewing gum, and talking football with Baz prior to this evening's p*ss-up.
I hope you've found this advice to be helpful. If you follow all the points above, then you will truly be the king of the road (at least in Mid Sussex).
