Computers? Not me, mate...

I often wish I'd never admitted to knowing a thing or two about computers. My life recently has consisted of three things: Work, bowls, and fixing other peoples' computers. The trouble with playing bowls is that an awful lot of bowlers (especially the retired ones) have computers at home, and have little or no idea of how to use them. Every time I pop down to the club, I'm swamped with people asking for advice on this, that and the other.
"My email doesn't work"; "I ran a Windows update and now it won't switch on"; "My printer won't print"; "I think I'm paying too much for my broadband"; "My computer's slow and Dixons advised me to buy a new one" - these are all typical greeting lines which are thrown at me as I scuttle at high speed from the car park to my locker, where I grab my bowls and shoes, trying hard to ignore the queue of expectant bowlers clutching their copies of Windows for Dummies. Only the sanctuary of the green can save me from this modern-day nightmare, as (nearly) all bowlers know not to interrupt someone once a game has begun (the odd couple who tried to talk computers during a game learned the hard way).
Last Monday I counted 14 individual enquiries of the computer variety, fired at me within the 120 seconds it took me to grab my gear and leg it onto the green. The phone usually goes twice a night, with some problem or another. One of these days I'm going to claim amnesia, or just develop an attitude problem, and tell people politely where to get off.

There are, of course, a few people for whom it is a joy to work - people who have done me favours before, like Geoff, who installed my kitchen last year. I'm currently in the process of building him a rather snazzy new PC. For just £350 he's got an Intel Core Duo 2Ghz processor, 2GB of high-speed RAM, a 320GB hard drive, a full tower with a strong PSU, a legal copy of Windows XP, a DVD re-writer, rock-solid Gigabyte motherboard, 256mb of graphics goodness, and more useful applications than you can shake a stick at. That should keep him happy for a while, and at least he's not one of those irritating people who ring me up at work, asking about their Outlook Express settings!

As Withnail's friend once said, "Will we never be set free?". Maybe... once I start charging £1 a minute for giving good advice!