Blood on the tracks

Anyone unlucky enough to be a regular railwaly commuter between Brighton and London will have found it impossible to ignore the current furore surrounding the new winter timetable, which comes into effect on December 15th. My friend Jen has featured in the Brighton Argus recently, complaining bitterly about the changes. So what's it all about?!

In a bid to meet new government targets, the number of Victoria services is being increased, while the number of trains calling at London Bridge and Clapham Junction is actually being reduced at peak times. The practical impact is that commuters will have to spend on average five hours a week longer on the trains, and rather than having a single uninterrupted journey, they will have to change at Hove or Haywards Heath. The chances of getting a seat when boarding an already-packed train are... not good. And when one pays £3,500 for the privilege... you can understand peoples' fury. On top of this, train fares are going up by an average of 7% in January, adding another £200 a year to the average commuter's bill.

According to the Southern Rail boss Chris Burchell, this genius plan all came out of a 3-year strategic review, in which nobody raised any serious objections... because they never actually asked anyone at London Bridge or Clapham stations. They asked commuters at Victoria, who naturally aren't bothered about services to other stations - and were therefore able to report that 10/10 commuters said they didn't mind the London Bridge connections being reduced. They might have well asked a drainpipe if it cared about an eBay bid on a Morris Minor - quite what these market research companies use to think with is beyond me, but it does make me wonder if money changed hands to guarantee a favourable outcome to support the new government plans.

Today Chris Burchell is being grilled (electronically) on The Argus website. Many of the questions and comments are of a very emotive and personal nature - such as "taking away precious contact time between daddy and baby" - and I have every sympathy with the poor commuters who will be suffering under this ludicrous regime.

The rail industry in the UK is a complete joke. Despite being privatised, it now costs the taxpayer more in subsidies than it ever did under public ownership. Compensation schemes between operators are a farce, while on an individual level monthly or yearly ticket holders are unable to claim compensation for late or cancelled services. Service are run to meet targets, not to meet the needs of the users. You still cannot take a bicycle on mainline trains between 07:00 and 10am, and wheelchair users must often book up to a week in advance to receive help boarding trains.

I have three suggestions to commuters who want to end this misery:
1) Give up your season ticket and get in your car.
2) Leave your job for one nearer to home.
3) Move to London.

I predict that the first political party which vows to clear up this mess will do very, very well. Now where's my manifesto...?

Quantum of Solace

I went to see the new James Bond film last night, and came away with mixed feelings. It's a fairly decent film, which runs at a fast pace, and is highly entertaining. I've heard it compared to the Bourne films, and it's true, this is probably the least "Bond-like" film ever made. The physical violence is fast and brutal, with Bond killing several times in the first 10 minutes of the film, showing no emotion as he goes. That's actually true to Ian Fleming's books - in which the Bond character is much darker and more brutal than the tongue-in-cheek paff served up by the likes of Roger Moore. In my (humble) opinion, Timothy Dalton was the best Bond to date, being the closest to the character in the books. Anyway, I'll run through the main parts of the film:

The plot

It's not a long film, but the plot twists, turns, and writhes like a snake. All utterly over-the-top, and unnecessary. The film is an immediate continuation from the previous Casino Royale film, and its main themes are Bond's need for revenge against the killers of Vespa (his lover), and the possible existence of a shady society bent on world domination (aka "Quantum"). The action constantly jumps from one country to another, characters come and go without more than a second glance, the true motives of Quantum are only touched on briefly, and it doesn't end satisfactorily - there's plenty of lose ends left untied. The film has three writers (Paul Haggis, Neil Purvis and Robert Wade), and it suffers as a result - too much input, too much confusion.

The gadgets

VERY low on the ground in this film. No laser-cutting watches or wrist-mounted dart guns. Just a swish mobile phone which sends photos of criminal suspects straight to MI6 headquarters at the touch of a button. The computer systems on display at HQ are really impressive, and probably aren't that far off being real, from what I've seen of Microsoft's fledgling touch-screen operating system. The trademark Aston Martin Bond car is thrashed (and shot) to pieces in the opening scene of the film, and isn't seen again - instead we're treated to a new Ford Ka, some Range Rovers, and a new Ford 4x4. There's no part for John Cleese's "Q", sadly.

The women

Two of them - one is a rather morbid ex-Bolivian secret service agent bent on revenge, the other is just a small cameo role for the gorgeous Gemma Arterton, which is really a waste of her acting talents.

The bad guys

No crappy henchmen in this film, gladly (shuddering at the thought of "Mr Kill" from Die Another Day). Mathieu Amalric puts in a very good performance as Dominic Greene, the central force for evil in the film, while Joaquin Cosio is convincing as an ex-dictator seeking to overthrow the Bolivian government.

As a stand-alone film it's a pretty good effort, but as part of the Bond franchise it leaves me wondering what direction they're heading in. There are several totally unnecessary action sequences, done just for the sake of blowing something up, or making the audience pay attention. That's not Bond - they need to look back at the first half of Casino Royale, and figure out how to capture more of that quiet intensity and brooding malice that set the film apart from the others.

Rating: 3 out of 5

My blog has wings - 4 readers and counting

In an incredible development, I appear to have four regular readers. *Gulp!* I'd better start blogging something of worth... I'll start with a rant at the BBC. I turn on my TV in the morning, to find out what (if anything) has happened since I last turned it on. The answer? The Strictly Come Dancing result from last night. WTF?!!! Since when did utter paff like this become "news"? At what point did we as a nation consider that a bunch of B-list celebrities doing pretty shabby dance routines should become an object of serious discussion? In my humble opinion, it's all part of the "Karaoke Culture" which now dominates the mainstream in the UK. Witness the popularity of utter drivel such as the X-Factor, and the so-called "careers" which the so-called "stars" can go on and enjoy. This week's number one? It's Shaun, from X-Factor! Will he still be around in a year's time?... no! Will you be embarrassed by having his CD in your collection? Absolutely!! So why do these people get anywhere? It's a mystery to me. Answers on a postcard - or in the comments box.

In other news, my friend Jen has given a bad review to "Oki-nami", a new Japanese restaurant in Brighton, owned by Mr Fatboy Slim himself. It appears to be a hell-hole serving re-constituted puke, masquerading as Japanese food, but that's just her opinion - I haven't been yet (and don't intend to go). I'll just mention that Pompoko (on Church Road, opposite the Brighton Dome) is still my favourite lunchtime destination. For £3.90 they do a Tofu dish with rice, all drizzled in honey and ginger, with mixed vegetables. On my last count I got 33 pieces of Tofu - probably more that you get in an entire supermarket packet - making it outstanding value for money, and very nutritious too. With such fierce competition, I can't see Fatboy's new venture lasting very long.

It's getting crowded... welcome to my 3rd reader!

In a breath-taking development, this blog has increased its reader base by 50%. Yes, I now have THREE regular readers. The new subscriber shall remain anonmyous, but let's refer to him as "Monkey-Boy" for now. I look forward to his witty comments and informed opinion, as I hack away at the dross that makes up 95% of our culture.

This evening I shall touch briefly on 3 topical issues:

1) The Russell Brand / Jonathan Ross phone call to Andrew Sachs (read about it here if you haven't already done so). I'm disgusted by this, not just the fact that it was aired on the BBC, but the fact that some people could find such an escapade to be funny. Why do we pay over £100 every year to line the pockets of such big-headed idiots as Ross and Brand? Is this really the best they could do? Or were they both drunk / and or / high on drugs when they did it? I suggest that a satisfactory course of action would be for both the presenters to make sizeable donations to a charity of Mr Sachs' choice. I'd like to think that they might get sacked, but if they're the best, what kind of muppets would they be replaced with?!

2) The Credit Crunch: The Pound Shop on the London Road has gone bust. Now that IS worrying, especially as I was planning to do my Christmas shopping there. The Bed Centre on Queens Road has also closed, and some shops have started charging 5p for a plastic bag, should you wish to shun the recent social convention of walking around with your purchases on public display. The good news is that petrol is once again at an offordable price (94.9p a litre in Uckfield!), which means that the Bentley is out of the garage for the first time this year. Hurrah!

3) The Stamford Twenty/20 cricket matches. "It's not about the money" opined Kevin Pietersen, but as each of the players stands to make £550,000 for 4 hours' work, it's hard to imagine what else this cricket match might be about. Fair play, perhaps? Or avoiding "the crunch"?

Dell smell ! Or do they...?

In my role as Chief IT Monkey, yesterday I got to order a new Dell server to run ColdFusion 8. Buying hardware from a third party is always a bit of a tough decision for me, as I have a natural inclination towards building systems myself, so that I know exactly what's gone into each one. However, the nice thing about buying from Dell is that if the thing goes wrong, you can have an engineer on-site within a matter of hours. The other good thing is that from what I've seen, Dells don't go wrong very often!

The Dell website is a never-ending source of irritation. If the server isn't too busy, you can peruse a fine selection of machines, all at seemingly low prices. Take the basic T100 server that we bought yesterday - advertised as being "from £219". Click on "customise" - and the price starts to go up very, very quickly. Want a decent processor? Add £100. Want more than 1GB of RAM? That'll cost you. Want a floppy drive? Backup solution? Network card? Optical drive? By the time you've added everything you need, the price has gone up to £1,321 + VAT. This is true of all the Dell systems I've seen - by the time you've added the basics (like a processor, case, mouse, etc. - the bits that make it work), the price has trebled. They really ought to just say "from £800-odd" rather than the mis-leading £219 figure, which would pretty much just buy you an empty box with a 1-year warranty.

The server isn't too bad really, but I costed the parts and could have built it myself around £600 cheaper, minus the operating system. We stipulated that we need it here by the end of this week, and the official delivery date on the system is October 9th, so we might have cause for complaint unless they get a move on.

I managed to avoid the hard-sell from the Dell sales person, who was incredulous that I didn't want a RAID setup, or any backup software. "So... just the one hard disk? Are you sure, sir? If that disk should go wrong...". The trouble with RAID setups is that once they're installed and working, you forget about them. If one of the disks fails a year down the line, you'll have a hard job finding an exact replacement, as new disk models are coming out all the time. If you go RAID, make sure you buy a redundant hot-swap spare, and leave it inside the case - meaning you'll need to buy 3 hard disks as a minimum. We've opted for a 15k RPM SATA drive, which should shift the data at a fair rate of knots, and our in-house backup system provides entire disk images in case of failure. Let's hope Dell deliver a decent server!

Bowls update

Just to keep you updated with what I've been up to, I'm happy to report that I've had a very successful and enjoyable summer of bowls. Despite all this manky weather (which I think was more gloom than rain, as the number of cancelled games was actually very low), I've had a great time. It's been the first season since 2001 that I haven't changed my bowls halfway through (usually out of boredom and/or frustration), and the results speak for themselves. I promised myself in April that I'd play a whole season with the same set of bowls, and see what happens - as it turns out, I've won two club competitions at Lindfield, had a Middleton Cup trial and five Home Counties games for Sussex, won Division 2 of the Brighton League, won Lindfield's Australian Pairs tournament, and lost by 1 shot on an extra end in the Tom Francis Cup final. Along the way I've beaten some of the top players in the county, which is particularly satisfying.
My final competitive tally for the season is: played 72, won 50, drew 1, lost 21.
I'm happy with that :)
After a 2-day off season, I'm now bowling indoors, and start the serious stuff this weekend, with a county trial at Newhaven. Phew! I need a holiday.

Smoothie again

For both my regular readers, you'll remember that I raved and waxed lyrical about the joys of the Kenwood Smoothie Junior. That is, until it broke last week. I've used it so much since I bought it, that I've worn it out. I considered sending it back, or claiming under the guarantee, but I've been fundamentally annoyed with it for some time, because it's so darn hard to clean. Separating the jug from the base requires almost super-human strength, and the tap clogs up within days of use.

So, cue a trip to Haywards Heath's finest shops (apologies for the sarcasm). After examining several possible replacements, I found the Kenwood "Smoothie 2 Go" in Sainsbury's. This cheaper solution has one massive advantage over traditional blenders and smoothie makers - it unscrews at the base by default. Meaning, you don't need to rely on soaking and toothbrushes to clean the blades - the blade section screws directly into the shatter-proof travel mug each time you make a smoothie, so the blades will get a clean on a daily basis. I used it for the first time this morning, and was impressed by the build quality, and the quiet operation. The motor is less powerful than the Junior model, but due to the smaller jug size, it doesn't feel like anything's missing. The fact that you get two travel mugs, both with lids, means you can whip up a smoothie and drink it "on the go" - ideal for busy executives (and me).

The Black Seeds

A friend of a friend of a friend recommended a New Zealand reggae band called The Black Seeds. I was a bit dubious at first, but I can honestly say that they're fantastic. They toured the UK a couple of months ago, and sadly their Brighton gig at the Komedia was cancelled at the last minute.

Anyway, check out my favourite song!

De-mystifying SQL Update Triggers

I've been looking at the murky world of SQL Server 2000 Update triggers recently, and none of it's as straightforward as I'd imagined. There seems to be unnecessary confusion around the columns_updated() function, which is all explained brilliantly in this article. I realised where I was going wrong with my user update trigger - because the user table had so many columns, the standard "catch-all" function to see if anything had changed, only referenced the first eight columns of the table. This all runs at single bit level, so 8 pieces of data is all that will be calculated in a single reference to the columns_updated() function. Therefore this is fine for a database table with up to eight columns:

IF (substring(columns_updated(), 1, 1)) > 0
-- Do stuff...

However I needed four of these statements to include all the user columns:

IF (substring(columns_updated(), 1, 1)) > 0 OR (substring(columns_updated(), 2, 1)) > 0 OR (substring(columns_updated(), 3, 1)) > 0 OR (substring(columns_updated(), 4, 1)) > 0
-- Something has changed, therefore update the record...

Rather laborious, but preferable to checking each column's status separately. Do read the article, it's quite excellent, hats off to Andy Warren.

Auto-suggest without ColdFusion 8

I've been Googling on auto-suggest frameworks in ColdFusion, and EVERYONE assumes that you're using CF8. If you're maintaining an old site, and don't have the luxury of CF8, I can recommend this list of auto-suggest frameworks.

I had a good look at "mgBox", which is neat, but the data source aspect is a bit on the annoying side, being rather too verbose to seem elegant. I much prefer "Wick", which is easy to customise, and just uses a plain Javascript file as its data source. It only took a couple of hours to get it working with the .js file being generated from a SQL query via ColdFusion. All rather impressive! If you've seen any other frameworks that you like, then let me know.

Michael Vaughan, My Lord... Michael Vaughan

It it with great sadness that Michael Vaughan today resigned as the England cricket captain. He's had a bad run of form this year, and losing the current series 2 - 0 to South Africa has made up his mind - it's time to go. Personally I think he should have waited until next week's final test match has finished, but he is clearly in a state of mental disarray, and it would be wrong of him to continue playing if he felt unable to perform or to lead the team.

Vaughan carried on the good work where Nasser Hussain left off in 2003 - adding some genuine fighting spirit and pride to an historically erratic and ineffective England team. There have been ups and downs, but his finest moment was recapturing the Ashes in the summer of 2005. That will live on as one of the finest Test series ever played, a truly inspiring performance from a very happy and committed team. Wonderful stuff. For that, I thank Michael Vaughan from the bottom of my heart.

On to the subject of his replacement - who should lead the team? Kevin Pietersen is being tipped as the obvious choice, but personally I wouldn't choose him, purely because he has no captaincy experience at any level. Being a world-conquering batsman is one thing, but grasping the nuances of the game and knowing how to handle individual players is a rare gift, and there's no evidence so far that he possesses it. My greatest fear is that Pietersen will gain the captaincy, and that it will slowly destroy his confidence, and with it his batting ability.

For my money, Chris Read is the man to take over from Vaughan. He is a truly gritty and determined cricketer, and arguably the finest wicket-keeper in the world. Currently in charge of Nottinghamshire, who he had lead to the top of Division 1 in the county championship, he would solve the keeping option, AND the captaincy option, while adding his services as a steady and often attacking batsman.

All will be revealed tomorrow.... watch this space.

Colbourne's First Law of Pavement Dynamics

Right, it's about time I revealed a theory that I've been postulating for the last few months. It may be peculiar to Mid Sussex - I'm not sure, as the pavements in Brighton are so over-crowded. I need to road-test it in other parts of the country.

The theory is this:
"Given a long, empty pavement, which only you and one other person are using, you can bet your bottom dollar that you and said person are competing for exactly the same piece of pavement, to the point where you're almost walking in each others' shoes."

I see this in action almost every day, and considering that there could be 300 metres of empty pavement in either direction, just what are the chances of it happening? Maybe it's time to start buying Lottery tickets.

Vista memory management - SuperBad, or SuperFetch?

My mate Simon constantly goes on and on about how much of a "resource hog" Windows Vista is. In his day-to-day working life he's building and maintaining desktop PCs for hundreds of imaptient users, and as a result "You can never have enough RAM" has become his constant mantra. Up until now I've always agreed with him. That is, until this morning, when I read an excellent article explaining exactly what Vista does with your PC's RAM. I was startled to find that actually, Microsoft have thought long and hard about memory management, and that Vista actually does things rather well - and I quote: "Vista treats system memory like a cache much more aggressively and effectively than any other version of Windows".

There's a new process called "SuperFetch" (a background task), which constantly fetches data that it thinks you're likely to need (based on your previous program selections and menu commands), and buffers it to RAM. The goal is to treat RAM like a system cache, which means that almost all of it should be in use - rather than older versions of Windows, which would regularly leave large swathes of it untouched, just waiting for a user command to trundle off and hit the hard disk for a large chunk of data.

This is really clever stuff - I take my hat off to Microsoft. The only downside is that SuperFetch is always running, so occasionally when you want to focus all the system resources on just one intensive task, you'll get a little irritated that the disk is busy, filling the cache with things that you know you won't need in the immediate future. Best option? Get a fast hard disk, like raided SATA. Maybe my next system will be a Vista installation... whatever next!

Rising costs re-visited

In a previous post, I mentioned that petrol cost £1.10 a litre, and that we could expect it to rise to £1.50 by September. Last night I filled up at the Esso station in Haywards Heath, and it cost me £1.20 a litre, so we've got some way to go, but the general upward trend is pretty clear. In the same period, I've seen a litre of Soya Milk rise from £1.00 to £1.39 in Sainsbury's, and the car parking charge at Haywards Heath station rise from £4.50 per day to £6.00. I'm due to be paying more for my road tax this year, up from the current £170 to £205, which at 20-odd % isn't that bad, considering that my Soya Milk has gone up 39% in the last 3 months. I know that inflation in the UK is at an 11-year high, but I do feel that they've forgotten to carry the 1... 38% would be more like it, 3.8% is just a flight of fancy.

High-definition photography

Chatting to a friend yesterday evening, he casually mentioned that he's getting heavily into "HD (high definition) photography". What the bleep's that, I thought... so he showed me a series of seven photos taken at the village Church. Each photo had been over-exposed on a different setting, to bring out one colour or another - so in one photo all the reds would be violently red, all the blues would be massively "in your face", etc. The idea is that you take a series of photos of exactly the same thing (using a tripod, otherwise you wouldn't be guaranteed to get exactly the same photo each time), all differently exposed, then you use a piece of software to merge them all together into one. The end result - a jaw-droppingly beautiful photo. I was amazed at the results he'd got, from an off-the-shelf digital SLR, and a £33 piece of software called "Photomatix". Check out the user gallery on the Photomatix website - some of the best photos I've ever seen, and they tell you how they took them. I'm itching to give this a try, just need to save a few pennies and get a Nikon D80, or similar.

Computers? Not me, mate...

I often wish I'd never admitted to knowing a thing or two about computers. My life recently has consisted of three things: Work, bowls, and fixing other peoples' computers. The trouble with playing bowls is that an awful lot of bowlers (especially the retired ones) have computers at home, and have little or no idea of how to use them. Every time I pop down to the club, I'm swamped with people asking for advice on this, that and the other.
"My email doesn't work"; "I ran a Windows update and now it won't switch on"; "My printer won't print"; "I think I'm paying too much for my broadband"; "My computer's slow and Dixons advised me to buy a new one" - these are all typical greeting lines which are thrown at me as I scuttle at high speed from the car park to my locker, where I grab my bowls and shoes, trying hard to ignore the queue of expectant bowlers clutching their copies of Windows for Dummies. Only the sanctuary of the green can save me from this modern-day nightmare, as (nearly) all bowlers know not to interrupt someone once a game has begun (the odd couple who tried to talk computers during a game learned the hard way).
Last Monday I counted 14 individual enquiries of the computer variety, fired at me within the 120 seconds it took me to grab my gear and leg it onto the green. The phone usually goes twice a night, with some problem or another. One of these days I'm going to claim amnesia, or just develop an attitude problem, and tell people politely where to get off.

There are, of course, a few people for whom it is a joy to work - people who have done me favours before, like Geoff, who installed my kitchen last year. I'm currently in the process of building him a rather snazzy new PC. For just £350 he's got an Intel Core Duo 2Ghz processor, 2GB of high-speed RAM, a 320GB hard drive, a full tower with a strong PSU, a legal copy of Windows XP, a DVD re-writer, rock-solid Gigabyte motherboard, 256mb of graphics goodness, and more useful applications than you can shake a stick at. That should keep him happy for a while, and at least he's not one of those irritating people who ring me up at work, asking about their Outlook Express settings!

As Withnail's friend once said, "Will we never be set free?". Maybe... once I start charging £1 a minute for giving good advice!

The joy of networking

One of the perils of working at a small company, is that there's no dedicated IT support person. I've volunteered to take on this role, as I've got years of experience of using Google, a screwdriver, and lots of brute force to get things working. Our current IT problem is that one of our development servers keeps losing its network connection for no apparent reason. The event logs don't throw up anything unusual, yet the connection just dies every few hours, which wreaks havoc with our automated backups! The most annoying thing is that the on-site IT guru in the building (servicing many small companies) came in and fiddled with the servers last month, before which this problem didn't exist. He denies all knowledge, and refuses to look into it - how typical.

After a LOT of Googling, I finally found something useful: Microsoft's DevCon utility. This is Device Manager on steroids, and allows you to start / stop / reconfigure your PC's hardware items via command-line scripts. Thanks to the smart people at Tech Republic, I've now got a working script to ping an external server, and restart the network card if the ping fails. Actually getting the right syntax for the device name took a bit of trial and error, as initially I was inputting the entire hardware ID (located through the detials tab on Device Manager) - something like "PCI\VEN_8086&DEV_1064&SUBSYS_0123456&REV_00\4&D2894CD&0&0818", which I thought should do the job. It didn't... it seems to like abbreviations though, so I just removed everything after the SUBSYS value (in the example above, this just left "PCI\VEN_8086&DEV_1064&SUBSYS_0123456"), and that did the trick. Pretty nifty little tool - you can even reboot the server using DevCon, so handle with care. Now, where did I put my hammer?

All bowled out

Apologies for the radio silence in the last few weeks! My blogging time hasn't really existed, due to the outdoor bowls season. It's calmed down a bit now, but for a few weeks I was bowling almost every night at various locations around Sussex, not getting home til 11pm, and blogging was the last thing on my mind.

I'm out of all my county competitions now (both of them!), so I'll have at least one evening a week in which to dream up something interesting to write :)

Driving in Mid-Sussex: a survival guide

If you've never driven round the roads of Mid Sussex before, here are a few handy hints and tips to avoid standing out like a sore thumb:

1) Never use your indicators. To do so would mark you out as a foreigner, and make yourself liable to tailgating (see 2 below). If approaching a roundabout, just wander aimlessly around it, until you spot the correct exit. Everybody else does this, and the number of roundabout-related accidents are surprisingly low, so it's clearly a good strategy. You'll have the added bonus of really p*ssing off anyone who's giving way to you.
If driving down a main road and intending to turn down a side street, just do it - randomly, at speed, and at the last moment. It'll infuriate that polite idiot who's been waiting for you to pass them by.
The good people of Mid Sussex have long been lobbying the motor industry for a slightly cheaper "local" version of popular car models, which wouldn't have any indicators installed.

2) Don't just drive behind someone, drive RIGHT BEHIND THEM, so that your bonnet is just touching their rear bumper. This will remind them that it's not acceptable to do 30mph in a 30 zone (see 3 below), and re-inforce their sense of insecurity.
Ideally, if you see someone in front of you, accelerate wildly, wind your windows down, crank up the MC Hammer tape you just know you've got in the player, and let them know who's boss. You'll double the chances of inflicting some serious whip-lash injuries on the gullible fools if they stop suddenly, and add to your street cred by putting a neat dent in your bonnet. Tailgating for the win!

3) If you're in a hurry, and don't have time for the joys of tailgating, then just overtake. Anywhere, on any road, but preferably in a dangerous spot, like on the brow of a hill, or approaching a blind bend. Ideally, sound your horn constantly and give them the ole' two-fingers sign as you roar past, risking your life and vehicle for the sake of a few seconds' advantage on your overall journey time. People will fear and respect you for miles around, and the local press will thank you for giving them a juicy story when you finally run out of luck and hit that huge tree on the corner.

4) Drive big, park small. Find the smallest parking space available, and squeeze your car into it. Ease yourself out gently, then hide in a nearby bush, and be ready to leap out and accost the poor mug who's parked next to you, and has just left a minor scratch in your paintwork by being stupid enough to try to get into their car.

5) Stock up on projectile weaponry. With so many idiots on the roads these days, it's good to be prepared. Keep a small stash of projectile weapons handy, so that you can wind down your window and pelt people at random, if you think they deserve it. Eggs, tennis balls, oranges, stones, marbles, and water balloons are standard fare, and should keep the nutters busy while you rummage for your Lighthouse Family greatest hits collection.

6) Don't bother with tax or insurance. Nodoby else does, so why should you? Just get a car and drive, like a real man.

7) Clamp your phone to your ear. Talking on the move is pretty damn cool. You'll look good, especially if your mobile handset is up to date. Driving with one hand gives you far greater control of your car, and if you're really skilled, you can lean on the window with your phone-arm, eyeing people up, chewing gum, and talking football with Baz prior to this evening's p*ss-up.

I hope you've found this advice to be helpful. If you follow all the points above, then you will truly be the king of the road (at least in Mid Sussex).

Petrol prices!!

A hot topic of conversation at the moment is inflation, and in particular the spiralling cost of petrol and diesel in the UK. Car drivers are quietly seething while they watch petrol prices rise steadily beyond the £1.10 a litre mark. Diesel is at £1.20 a litre and rising, despite the European average being just 60p. The Chancellor seems intent on pressing ahead with 2p-per-litre tax increases with each passing budget, despite taxation making up nearly 70% of the cost of a litre of petrol. Meanwhile BP have announced that their annual profits are up 48%. The short-term forecast is grim: expect to pay £1.50 per litre of petrol within the next four months, almost £7 a gallon.
Apart from a gently increasing tax burden, the main reason for the escalating prices it that crude oil is at an all-time high, having been at $24 a barrel in September 2000, the events of 9-11 and beyond have pushed the price to around the $120 mark.

The economic impact on UK businesses is quite severe. Today 65 haulage lorries converged on Downing Street to protest at the price of diesel fuel, which has increased 30% in the last year, thus taking the average weekly fuel bill per lorry to around the £1,000 mark. Try being competitive on price against European rivals who pay 50% less for their diesel - many companies are getting seriously worried.

So, we have a problem. What is the Government doing about it? Nothing.
Why? Well apparently, it's good for "the environment" to charge people more for their fuel. I see! So by charging more, people will use their cars less? Sadly, no. We won't all suddenly hop on buses, swap our petrol cars for diesels, or hybrids, or use the train more (because average annual fare increases of 8% aren't tempting either). In the same way that we're not all cancelling our holidays now that we have to pay an environmental charge for our aeroplane fuel. People will go on with their usual behaviour patterns, bite the bullet, and pay more for the same product - as simple as that. We'll all be getting a lot poorer, with the average UK weekly pay up just 2.9% in the last year, salaries cannot hope to compete with the current price rises.

If the Government was serious about helping out not only their citizens, but also their own economy, then they might consider cutting some of the heavy tax burden on petrol and diesel. Before a rampant Green party member accosts me with a wet lettuce, I'd like to point out that the environmental benefits of the increased fuel taxation are negligible - carbon emissions from privately owned cars are set to fall by just 1% by 2010 as a direct result of taxation.
It is interesting to speculate about the government's aims apropos taxation on transport. Are they perhaps working towards a less mobile population - one that no longer goes away for short breaks, or uses their cars so often? Are they aiming to move even more people out of the countryside and into towns and cities, by imposing crippling taxes on the off-road vehicles favoured (and needed) by farmers and those living in rural communities? Or are they merely flailing wildly, trying to get cash from anyone who can pay? Given the recent decision to scrap the 10p tax band, I would suggest that the latter is true - they're short of money, and are tightening their belts the only way they know how. A small increase on the higher tax band might bring in some of the money they need to plug the ever increasing national debt.

I wonder what Gordon Brown is saving up for? An electoral "Treasure Chest" perhaps, to curry favour with the masses? If he doesn't act soon, I fear he'll have more than just financial problems on his plate.

Useless information

I just turned my home PC on for the first time in a week, to be confronted with a succession of utterly useless messages. If there are any usability experts reading this, then please, please, please do something about it! Clicking 'ok', 'cancel' or the little x button is just downright annoying. Software should be effortless, not irritating! Here's what I had:

- STEAM was unable to connect to the Internet.
- Successfully connected to wireless network.
- Java update available.
- Java update available (again - why tell me twice? Why not just download the bloody thing and stop hassling me?)
- The following AVG components are in error state.
- Downloading AVG updates, please wait.
- Successfully installed AVG updates.
- The following AVG components are in error state (what, still?!)
- There are new Windows updates available, click here to download them.
- There are usused icons on your desktop.
- STEAM successfully connected.

That's twelve clicks to get rid of messages I didn't need to read. Hardly a great user experience, but then as we live in an age where we're constantly bombarded with utterly useless information, it makes sense that my PC would join in. One day, the UI experts will figure out that they only need to display a message box when something genuinely needs the user's attention.

iRiver forever!

It finally happened - I upgraded an electronic gadget, rather than buying a new one! While 99.9% of the population are happy to use Apple iPods, I (and a handful of other people with impeccable taste and a dislike for market saturation) prefer the iRiver - the HD320 to be precise.
But why do I like it so much? I'll tell you:
1) The build and sound quality are outstanding
2) It's a joy to use
3) It looks cool
4) Most importantly - computers treat it like an external hard disk, meaning you're not tied into the crapness that is the "My Music Library" part of iTunes. You can simply plug it in, copy the files you want, and unplug it.
5) It has other stuff built-in, namely a picture viewer, FM radio, and a microphone
6) The firmware is user-upgradeable, and there are several funky "RockBox" options to choose from
7) You can watch movies on it
8) It has a 20GB user-upgradeable hard drive, which knocks most of the opposition into a cocked hat (bar the more expensive iPods).
9) Native support for Ogg files

Pretty compelling reasons to get one! Sadly the HD320 and 340 players have now been discontinued, but you can still buy them on eBay.

I've had mine for nearly 4 years, and the battery has recently started to under-perform quite noticeably, providing just 2 to 3 hours of life for each 4-hour charge. Thankfully, those fine people at VideoJug have provided a how-to film, showing exactly how to replace the battery. I spent £6.50 on a spare 2200mh battery on eBay, and half an hour of time fitting it. The only fiddly bit was levering up the motherboard slightly at one end, while it made rather alarming creaking sounds as it strained against the plastic clips holding it in place. The battery connector itself is tiny, and you'll either need good fingernails, or a very small screwdriver, to ease it into place.

It's all working beautifully now, and the battery life is back up to around 15 hours. Happy days are here again :)

Smoothie heaven

I've just made (and possibly invented) the tastiest smoothie ever! My taste buds have gone to heaven, on the following recipe:

- 2 whole oranges, cut into segments
- One kiwi fruit
- 2 large ice cubes
- Half a cup of Pomegranite and Acacia berry juice (ready-mixed, commercial variety)
- 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream. I prefer the "Swedish Glace" non-dairy tofu-based brand, but any normal vanilla ice cream would be fine

Add all these ingredients into the blender / smoothie maker, and blend for 20 seconds.

Scoop out the insides of a large, ripe passion fruit, and add to the mix. Blend again for 10 seconds, and serve. I think I'll call it "Orange Sherbert", because that's a good description of its taste. Enjoy!

Radio Wars

Ever since we got a digital radio in the office, we've had an ongoing battle between the programmers, to settle on the "radio station of choice". For me, this is Planet Rock - which plays mainly AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Pink Floyd, Jethro Tull, etc. - but for Zoe, it's BBC Radio 6 Music, which boasts the worst living DJ, George Lamb. This is a man who shouts into the microphone, has an ego the size of Manhattan, and would be right at home selling vegetables in a Sunday market. His "running jokes" consist of a one-second clip of someone shouting "Shabba!", a two-second clip of someone shouting something angry, and his never-ending quest for a nice glass of "ting" (whatever that is). Particular low point of the show consist of listeners phoning in, asking for George to send out a "big Shabba" to their friends (cue the repeated playing of the aforementioned one-second clip, accompanied by moronic laughter). This *might* have been funny once - in 1991 perhaps - for a week, or two at the most. But it's been dragging on for months, and is about as funny as a chronic liver infection.

Thankfully I am not alone in my aversion to this pirate of the airwaves - there is now a "Get George Lamb off 6 Music petition", and a Facebook petition for the same cause. Even the BBC have had to publish a glossary of his inane ramblings, in case his one remaining listener can't work out what he's on about. To paraphrase the man, George, you are clearly a Don who's havin' a bad one, and has gone a bit wafty. Begone.

Salvation has arrived, in the form of the Sussex Gold radio station. This is the best radio station that any of us have ever heard - even Zoe. Their choice of music is first-rate, advertising is kept to a minimum, as is the news. Lots of sing-a-long favourites, from the likes of David Bowie, The Beatles, ABBA, etc. Thank goodness that someone is still broadcasting decent music!

Who moved my Cheese?

"Who moved my Cheese?", by Spencer Johnson, is a fantastic little book, all about coping with change. I read it last year, and copped a fair amount of derisive comments from my colleagues at work. However when I needed to move on to pastures new towards the end of the year, its teachings were highly beneficial.

Using "Cheese" as a metaphor for whatever is important to you (good health, happiness, enjoyable work, etc. - you can use it in almost any context), the book tells the story of four mice, trapped in a maze (a metaphor for "life"), who wake up one day to discover that their supply of cheese has run out. The signs have been there for a while, but they were largely ignored. Now the mice must decide what to do - do they explore the maze, and find a new source of cheese, or complain bitterly, and ask why their cheese has been taken away, and sit morosely, waiting in a forlorn hope that it will be replaced.

After some deliberation, I made a list of what my work-based "Cheese" actually was:

- Doing work that's interesting and challenging
- Feeling valued and respected by my peers, and by management
- Working in a friendly team, who actually want to be there
- Having a salary that doesn't insult my wallet
- Having some formal training every now and then
- Working for a company that knows where it's going, and how it'll get there
- Wanting to go to work when I get out of bed in the mornings
- Feeling that I'm making a positive difference to the company

For many years at Epic I was quite content, because almost all of these "cheese" must-haves were there for me. From November 2006 onwards however, our team fell apart, and the work dried up, for various reasons which I won't go into. Throw in some managerial incompetence, and severe financial difficulties (for the company), and my mind was made up!

My new company is giving me all the cheese I require - and more. All it takes is a little courage to go looking for it, and it's there to be found. I strongly urge all those bereft of cheese, to make a list of what their "cheese" looks like, then to start looking for a new source - it'll make your life a lot more enjoyable.

All this talk of food is making me hungry... I'm off to find a cheese sandwich :)

In praise of Sky

It's finally happened (as you can probably tell by my recent radio silence) - I've got Sky TV. For the last four months I've had no TV signal at my flat, and combined with a lack of Internet access (see my previous posts), I was starting to feel somewhat isolated. The Pipex debacle made me evaulate other options, and I spotted that Sky charge a mere £5 a month for a 40GB/month broadband service (4x the capacity of the more expensive and non-functioning Pipex offering). Deciding to get Sky TV was a logical decision - I'm now paying £23 a month for about 200 channels, and a fast broadband service, as opposed to Pipex's offering of £15 a month and no TV.

Sky customer services have been pretty awesome. The engineer turned up on time, and got the whole thing rigged up within 2 hours. I was notified by text message the day before he came, and was given his mobile number, in case I needed to contact him. He tuned the Sky remote in to my TV, and checked that everything worked perfectly before he left. Setting up broadband was a doddle - they sent the router out within 24 hours, and the CD-rom based installation routine was the best I've ever seen. It's pretty fast too, at 4.5mbps. All Sky's paperwork has been clearly written, and their call centre staff are friendly and well informed. On top of all this, I'm getting £50 of Marks & Sparks vouchers, because I was recommended by a friend. Now THAT'S what I call service! Well done Sky.

As for the TV service itself, there's an awful lot of rubbish, but the UKTV channels are very good, and the documentary channels are quite compelling. Film4 is rapidly becoming a personal favourite, and I've found a channel that shows almost nothing but Star Trek. I've also been enjoying the Parliamentary broadcast channel, and have finally seen Channel 5! The only problem now, is finding time to watch the damn thing...

Silly Season in Customer Services Land

You'll be pleased to hear that my TV turned up! My grumble today, however, is about Pipex (the Internet Service Provider), and their incredibly bad, atrocious, awful, jaw-droppingly incompetent and clueless customer service "team".

Firstly, I suppose it's partly my fault. I wanted broadband in my new flat, so I shopped around, and Pipex looked like value for money at £15 a month for a 10GB limit. I duly signed up on January 9th, and the router, welcome pack etc. arrived the next day, albeit at the wrong address. I waited the 7 working days specified in the welcome letter, and turned the router on - nothing. I purchased a spare micro-filter, and tried a spare router, but still, nothing. Cue two weeks of trying to contact Pipex. If you talk to their customer service people, they'll just say "it's a technical problem, you need to re-dial and talk to Technical Support". If you dial Technical Support, you won't get through. Believe me, I've tried! You just sit in a queue for hours after hours, listening to the same cheesy music. I finally got an email from them last week, saying that they've had a "provisioning problem", and that the broadband would go live on February 15th - five weeks after I ordered it. No explanation as to what the problem is, just "there's a problem". Hmmm....

This morning I spotted how reasonable the Sky TV / broadband prices are, and decided to cancel the Pipex setup. I phoned Pipex, and after 10 minutes in a queue, got through to their cancellations department (says it all really!). I asked for my MAC code, so I could switch to Sky, and was told "sorry, but because your broadband has never worked, there's no MAC code to give you". Interesting... I phoned the BT Broadband tagging team, who laughed, said "It's all Pipex's fault, and it's up to them to remove the ADSL tag request on the line", and wished me luck dealing with them. They also pointed out that the request to ADSL-enable my phone line only came through on January 28th, a whopping THREE WEEKS after I ordered it. So it seems that the "problem" was a case of "we forgot to turn your broadband on".

I now have the joyous task of speaking to the dimwits at Pipex, and trying to get them to remove their ADSL tag from my phone line. At least I'm not alone - check out www.pipexproblems.co.uk

To be continued...

When the Internet goes bad

My new TV is turning into a saga. Having cancelled my order with the hapless Play.com (see my previous blog post), I placed an identical order with 247electrical.com, via Amazon (they're a re-seller). Order placed on Monday - Amazon emailed me to confirm - I've heard nothing from 247electrical yet. Not a single "yes we've got your order" message. I have no idea if they're on the case, or if it's got lost in the ether.

I've tried ringing 247electrical twice so far, and each time have been held in a queue for 10 minutes, before hanging up. They have possibly the worst tinned music imaginable, which sounds like it's being piped through an underwater speaker system. You can't quite make it out, so you listen intently, only for an annoying voice to inform you that your call is important, but everyone is "busy".

So... five days without a TV so far. I've discovered that my PC monitor is quite adequate for watching DVDs, albeit a bit grainy. I'm starting to wish I'd just paid the £80 more and bought it in Sainsbury's last Saturday... maybe the Internet isn't all it's cracked up to be?

Why Play.com are in trouble

Our TV died on Saturday, so I looked for a new one on www.play.com. I found a very natty Sony Bravia 32 inch LCD for £530, with free delivery. Bargain! I ordered it. This morning when I checked my email, I found the following message from the play.com customer service department:

At Play.com, we value your custom and take your online security very
seriously. Accordingly we have an additional security check in place.
To perform this check we ask that you contact our Customer Support Team on 0845 800 1020.

How odd! I've never had this before! I duly phoned them up, and after being held in a queue for 5 minutes, listening to "The Worst of Kenny G", I was put through to a chap who claimed that their 3rd party security system required that I confirm my name, age and address over the telephone before they could process the order. I expressed my surprise at this, but did as he requested, and he apologised again, saying that they would take an extra 24 hours to process the security information.

Not exactly making me feel welcome...

Two hours later, I received another email from play.com, stating that:

We are experiencing difficulty verifying your address details. To proceed with your order we will need to see a copy of documentation which confirms your address and credit/debit card details such as your bank statement. Please fax your documentation to +44 (0)1223 202001 for the attention of Statement Requests.

Hang on... they want me to FAX my BANK STATEMENT to them? What decade are they in? Maybe in 1995 they might be forgiven, firstly for having a fax machine, and secondly for being a bit cautious about online purchases, and whether or not the customers can actually afford the goods in question. But this is 2008, when one-click shopping is a reality, and we (the consumers) don't have to put up with non-sensical, rude and invasive questions and demands from second-rate Internet resellers.

I did what every right-minded person would do - I rang up, cancelled the order, gave them a piece of my mind, and placed the order with Amazon instead.

Play have messed up. I assume they don't sell many televisions. I hope they can put their house in order, before they go bust...

Smooth moves in the kitchen

I've taken the plunge, and bought a smoothie maker, in a bid to consume healthier food during 2008. I bought a Kenwood "Junior", for £23 in Sainsbury's (they're half price at the moment!). What a great gadget! It's really simple to use - just chop things up, throw them in, whisk it up, and pour. I made myself a breakfast smoothie this morning, using these ingredients:

- One banana
- A dozen blueberries
- Two tablespoons of organic yoghurt
- A third of a glass of milk
- A quarter of a cup of ground oats
- Two teaspoons of honey (any type will do, but I prefer Accacia, or Manuka)

You really need a bit of liquid, otherwise the texture is so thick that it'll have trouble getting out of the pouring nozzle. Apple juice is good for non-milk based smoothies. I'll be posting my favourite recipes here, but in the meantime, here's a great article on the wonders of Manuka honey.

Happy New Year to both my readers!

Okay, so Christmas wasn't as bad as my grumpy pre-festive self expected. In fact, I had the best Christmas EVER, courtesy of my brother, and his wife's fantastically lively, lovely family, in their idyllic Roman hideaway. Baby Mimmo had more presents than he could open, so many in fact that we were still opening them on Boxing Day.

The Italians don't go overboard on Christmas. I was able to do my shopping on Christmas Eve, in a large department "store" (I mean "shop", but that word isn't really used any more), which was tastefully decorated, and wasn't overflowing with panic-stricken shoppers hunting for meaningless gumf to inflict on their nearest and dearest. Having said that, I believe they go nuts over January 6th - my Dad's birthday, therefore a highly laudable reason to celebrate.

My favourite present this year was a sea blue Ukulele, and a "teach yourself how to play" book. I've been confidently strumming away at a few chords, pleased that I've managed to remember them, until... this morning, when I discovered that the "teach yourself" book is all set up for the Uke to be tuned to four completely different notes to the ones mine's tuned to. Therefore the chords that I've "learned", while being perfectly in-tune, aren't the chords I thought they were, and I now have to re-learn them! I might just give up and sit back to watch the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain's Barbican gig (here's a clip from it):



Something tells me I'll keep plucking away... I've got tickets to see them in Lewes on February 2nd, so I'll be even more inspired after that.

I'm back at work now, which is fairly busy, and not without its worries, but as the hapless knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail said, "I've had worse".

Wishing you a happy and healthy 2008,

Pete.