Driving in Mid-Sussex: a survival guide

If you've never driven round the roads of Mid Sussex before, here are a few handy hints and tips to avoid standing out like a sore thumb:

1) Never use your indicators. To do so would mark you out as a foreigner, and make yourself liable to tailgating (see 2 below). If approaching a roundabout, just wander aimlessly around it, until you spot the correct exit. Everybody else does this, and the number of roundabout-related accidents are surprisingly low, so it's clearly a good strategy. You'll have the added bonus of really p*ssing off anyone who's giving way to you.
If driving down a main road and intending to turn down a side street, just do it - randomly, at speed, and at the last moment. It'll infuriate that polite idiot who's been waiting for you to pass them by.
The good people of Mid Sussex have long been lobbying the motor industry for a slightly cheaper "local" version of popular car models, which wouldn't have any indicators installed.

2) Don't just drive behind someone, drive RIGHT BEHIND THEM, so that your bonnet is just touching their rear bumper. This will remind them that it's not acceptable to do 30mph in a 30 zone (see 3 below), and re-inforce their sense of insecurity.
Ideally, if you see someone in front of you, accelerate wildly, wind your windows down, crank up the MC Hammer tape you just know you've got in the player, and let them know who's boss. You'll double the chances of inflicting some serious whip-lash injuries on the gullible fools if they stop suddenly, and add to your street cred by putting a neat dent in your bonnet. Tailgating for the win!

3) If you're in a hurry, and don't have time for the joys of tailgating, then just overtake. Anywhere, on any road, but preferably in a dangerous spot, like on the brow of a hill, or approaching a blind bend. Ideally, sound your horn constantly and give them the ole' two-fingers sign as you roar past, risking your life and vehicle for the sake of a few seconds' advantage on your overall journey time. People will fear and respect you for miles around, and the local press will thank you for giving them a juicy story when you finally run out of luck and hit that huge tree on the corner.

4) Drive big, park small. Find the smallest parking space available, and squeeze your car into it. Ease yourself out gently, then hide in a nearby bush, and be ready to leap out and accost the poor mug who's parked next to you, and has just left a minor scratch in your paintwork by being stupid enough to try to get into their car.

5) Stock up on projectile weaponry. With so many idiots on the roads these days, it's good to be prepared. Keep a small stash of projectile weapons handy, so that you can wind down your window and pelt people at random, if you think they deserve it. Eggs, tennis balls, oranges, stones, marbles, and water balloons are standard fare, and should keep the nutters busy while you rummage for your Lighthouse Family greatest hits collection.

6) Don't bother with tax or insurance. Nodoby else does, so why should you? Just get a car and drive, like a real man.

7) Clamp your phone to your ear. Talking on the move is pretty damn cool. You'll look good, especially if your mobile handset is up to date. Driving with one hand gives you far greater control of your car, and if you're really skilled, you can lean on the window with your phone-arm, eyeing people up, chewing gum, and talking football with Baz prior to this evening's p*ss-up.

I hope you've found this advice to be helpful. If you follow all the points above, then you will truly be the king of the road (at least in Mid Sussex).

Petrol prices!!

A hot topic of conversation at the moment is inflation, and in particular the spiralling cost of petrol and diesel in the UK. Car drivers are quietly seething while they watch petrol prices rise steadily beyond the £1.10 a litre mark. Diesel is at £1.20 a litre and rising, despite the European average being just 60p. The Chancellor seems intent on pressing ahead with 2p-per-litre tax increases with each passing budget, despite taxation making up nearly 70% of the cost of a litre of petrol. Meanwhile BP have announced that their annual profits are up 48%. The short-term forecast is grim: expect to pay £1.50 per litre of petrol within the next four months, almost £7 a gallon.
Apart from a gently increasing tax burden, the main reason for the escalating prices it that crude oil is at an all-time high, having been at $24 a barrel in September 2000, the events of 9-11 and beyond have pushed the price to around the $120 mark.

The economic impact on UK businesses is quite severe. Today 65 haulage lorries converged on Downing Street to protest at the price of diesel fuel, which has increased 30% in the last year, thus taking the average weekly fuel bill per lorry to around the £1,000 mark. Try being competitive on price against European rivals who pay 50% less for their diesel - many companies are getting seriously worried.

So, we have a problem. What is the Government doing about it? Nothing.
Why? Well apparently, it's good for "the environment" to charge people more for their fuel. I see! So by charging more, people will use their cars less? Sadly, no. We won't all suddenly hop on buses, swap our petrol cars for diesels, or hybrids, or use the train more (because average annual fare increases of 8% aren't tempting either). In the same way that we're not all cancelling our holidays now that we have to pay an environmental charge for our aeroplane fuel. People will go on with their usual behaviour patterns, bite the bullet, and pay more for the same product - as simple as that. We'll all be getting a lot poorer, with the average UK weekly pay up just 2.9% in the last year, salaries cannot hope to compete with the current price rises.

If the Government was serious about helping out not only their citizens, but also their own economy, then they might consider cutting some of the heavy tax burden on petrol and diesel. Before a rampant Green party member accosts me with a wet lettuce, I'd like to point out that the environmental benefits of the increased fuel taxation are negligible - carbon emissions from privately owned cars are set to fall by just 1% by 2010 as a direct result of taxation.
It is interesting to speculate about the government's aims apropos taxation on transport. Are they perhaps working towards a less mobile population - one that no longer goes away for short breaks, or uses their cars so often? Are they aiming to move even more people out of the countryside and into towns and cities, by imposing crippling taxes on the off-road vehicles favoured (and needed) by farmers and those living in rural communities? Or are they merely flailing wildly, trying to get cash from anyone who can pay? Given the recent decision to scrap the 10p tax band, I would suggest that the latter is true - they're short of money, and are tightening their belts the only way they know how. A small increase on the higher tax band might bring in some of the money they need to plug the ever increasing national debt.

I wonder what Gordon Brown is saving up for? An electoral "Treasure Chest" perhaps, to curry favour with the masses? If he doesn't act soon, I fear he'll have more than just financial problems on his plate.

Useless information

I just turned my home PC on for the first time in a week, to be confronted with a succession of utterly useless messages. If there are any usability experts reading this, then please, please, please do something about it! Clicking 'ok', 'cancel' or the little x button is just downright annoying. Software should be effortless, not irritating! Here's what I had:

- STEAM was unable to connect to the Internet.
- Successfully connected to wireless network.
- Java update available.
- Java update available (again - why tell me twice? Why not just download the bloody thing and stop hassling me?)
- The following AVG components are in error state.
- Downloading AVG updates, please wait.
- Successfully installed AVG updates.
- The following AVG components are in error state (what, still?!)
- There are new Windows updates available, click here to download them.
- There are usused icons on your desktop.
- STEAM successfully connected.

That's twelve clicks to get rid of messages I didn't need to read. Hardly a great user experience, but then as we live in an age where we're constantly bombarded with utterly useless information, it makes sense that my PC would join in. One day, the UI experts will figure out that they only need to display a message box when something genuinely needs the user's attention.

iRiver forever!

It finally happened - I upgraded an electronic gadget, rather than buying a new one! While 99.9% of the population are happy to use Apple iPods, I (and a handful of other people with impeccable taste and a dislike for market saturation) prefer the iRiver - the HD320 to be precise.
But why do I like it so much? I'll tell you:
1) The build and sound quality are outstanding
2) It's a joy to use
3) It looks cool
4) Most importantly - computers treat it like an external hard disk, meaning you're not tied into the crapness that is the "My Music Library" part of iTunes. You can simply plug it in, copy the files you want, and unplug it.
5) It has other stuff built-in, namely a picture viewer, FM radio, and a microphone
6) The firmware is user-upgradeable, and there are several funky "RockBox" options to choose from
7) You can watch movies on it
8) It has a 20GB user-upgradeable hard drive, which knocks most of the opposition into a cocked hat (bar the more expensive iPods).
9) Native support for Ogg files

Pretty compelling reasons to get one! Sadly the HD320 and 340 players have now been discontinued, but you can still buy them on eBay.

I've had mine for nearly 4 years, and the battery has recently started to under-perform quite noticeably, providing just 2 to 3 hours of life for each 4-hour charge. Thankfully, those fine people at VideoJug have provided a how-to film, showing exactly how to replace the battery. I spent £6.50 on a spare 2200mh battery on eBay, and half an hour of time fitting it. The only fiddly bit was levering up the motherboard slightly at one end, while it made rather alarming creaking sounds as it strained against the plastic clips holding it in place. The battery connector itself is tiny, and you'll either need good fingernails, or a very small screwdriver, to ease it into place.

It's all working beautifully now, and the battery life is back up to around 15 hours. Happy days are here again :)

Smoothie heaven

I've just made (and possibly invented) the tastiest smoothie ever! My taste buds have gone to heaven, on the following recipe:

- 2 whole oranges, cut into segments
- One kiwi fruit
- 2 large ice cubes
- Half a cup of Pomegranite and Acacia berry juice (ready-mixed, commercial variety)
- 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream. I prefer the "Swedish Glace" non-dairy tofu-based brand, but any normal vanilla ice cream would be fine

Add all these ingredients into the blender / smoothie maker, and blend for 20 seconds.

Scoop out the insides of a large, ripe passion fruit, and add to the mix. Blend again for 10 seconds, and serve. I think I'll call it "Orange Sherbert", because that's a good description of its taste. Enjoy!

Radio Wars

Ever since we got a digital radio in the office, we've had an ongoing battle between the programmers, to settle on the "radio station of choice". For me, this is Planet Rock - which plays mainly AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Pink Floyd, Jethro Tull, etc. - but for Zoe, it's BBC Radio 6 Music, which boasts the worst living DJ, George Lamb. This is a man who shouts into the microphone, has an ego the size of Manhattan, and would be right at home selling vegetables in a Sunday market. His "running jokes" consist of a one-second clip of someone shouting "Shabba!", a two-second clip of someone shouting something angry, and his never-ending quest for a nice glass of "ting" (whatever that is). Particular low point of the show consist of listeners phoning in, asking for George to send out a "big Shabba" to their friends (cue the repeated playing of the aforementioned one-second clip, accompanied by moronic laughter). This *might* have been funny once - in 1991 perhaps - for a week, or two at the most. But it's been dragging on for months, and is about as funny as a chronic liver infection.

Thankfully I am not alone in my aversion to this pirate of the airwaves - there is now a "Get George Lamb off 6 Music petition", and a Facebook petition for the same cause. Even the BBC have had to publish a glossary of his inane ramblings, in case his one remaining listener can't work out what he's on about. To paraphrase the man, George, you are clearly a Don who's havin' a bad one, and has gone a bit wafty. Begone.

Salvation has arrived, in the form of the Sussex Gold radio station. This is the best radio station that any of us have ever heard - even Zoe. Their choice of music is first-rate, advertising is kept to a minimum, as is the news. Lots of sing-a-long favourites, from the likes of David Bowie, The Beatles, ABBA, etc. Thank goodness that someone is still broadcasting decent music!

Who moved my Cheese?

"Who moved my Cheese?", by Spencer Johnson, is a fantastic little book, all about coping with change. I read it last year, and copped a fair amount of derisive comments from my colleagues at work. However when I needed to move on to pastures new towards the end of the year, its teachings were highly beneficial.

Using "Cheese" as a metaphor for whatever is important to you (good health, happiness, enjoyable work, etc. - you can use it in almost any context), the book tells the story of four mice, trapped in a maze (a metaphor for "life"), who wake up one day to discover that their supply of cheese has run out. The signs have been there for a while, but they were largely ignored. Now the mice must decide what to do - do they explore the maze, and find a new source of cheese, or complain bitterly, and ask why their cheese has been taken away, and sit morosely, waiting in a forlorn hope that it will be replaced.

After some deliberation, I made a list of what my work-based "Cheese" actually was:

- Doing work that's interesting and challenging
- Feeling valued and respected by my peers, and by management
- Working in a friendly team, who actually want to be there
- Having a salary that doesn't insult my wallet
- Having some formal training every now and then
- Working for a company that knows where it's going, and how it'll get there
- Wanting to go to work when I get out of bed in the mornings
- Feeling that I'm making a positive difference to the company

For many years at Epic I was quite content, because almost all of these "cheese" must-haves were there for me. From November 2006 onwards however, our team fell apart, and the work dried up, for various reasons which I won't go into. Throw in some managerial incompetence, and severe financial difficulties (for the company), and my mind was made up!

My new company is giving me all the cheese I require - and more. All it takes is a little courage to go looking for it, and it's there to be found. I strongly urge all those bereft of cheese, to make a list of what their "cheese" looks like, then to start looking for a new source - it'll make your life a lot more enjoyable.

All this talk of food is making me hungry... I'm off to find a cheese sandwich :)